Do You Ever Hate Being a Mother?
I recently counselled a mother who whispered to me "I feel so bad, because I hate being a mother. I resent it every single day". This poor mom was struggling emotionally and physically with the pressures of motherhood.
Now, as a therapist when someone begins a counselling session by saying they hate being a parent, the first thing we need to do is check that she feels safe and that she is confident her child/ren are safe too. This is really important, because being exhausted, stressed out, anxious and angry can make us behave in ways we would never dream of!
Well on this front, thank Goodness, it was all OK.
The mother was not suffering from clinical depression and was not thinking of harming her child. However, she was feeling guilty 24/7 for hating being a mom.
How to Deal with Hating Being a Mom
The first thing we did together was talk about HER. Where was she in her life? Had her life become laser focussed on her child and the pursuit of trying to be a perfect parent? Where was the pressure coming from? After our first session, she realised how little she was giving to herself. She was focussed so much on being the perfect parent, she had completely lost herself in motherhood.
However, we forget to have a reality check about what parenting involves and we get stuck in the vortex of PERFECT PARENTING influencers. We look at parenting instagram photos and videos of famous mums seamlessly exercising with their babies in toe, dressing them in perfect clothes, looking fabulous and well-slept. However, we don't see the behind the scene shots of nannies, family support and countless hours and money spent on beauty and exercise products and services to get in shape so easily and quickly.
This comparison with seemingly perfect parents, leaves many mothers like my client above, feeling like failures. They push themselves to exhaustion trying to have the best of everything and give the best of everything to their children and often push their own needs, health and wellbeing to the side in the pursuit of perfect parenting.
How can you love being a parent, when you have lost yourself in the process?
When I had my second child, I always remember moms at school pick up of my then 6 year old, saying "you always seem so calm". They would ask me what the secret was. But the secret wasn't in my calm parenting techniques - although they helped. The 'secret' was in learning to balance my needs with those of my growing family.
Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky to have family support, as my mother was diagnosed with early onset dementia and could not be left alone with a baby. My husband was working 12 hour days and could not take any time off to help me. So I had to learn how to manager running our home, looking after two young children and working without resorting to yelling, getting overtired (my trigger), or leaving everything in a heap.
The key for me was focusing on my own wellbeing first. I ensured I had healthy meals at home for me to eat (as well as for my children). It was really important for me to role model being healthy and happy - that makes calm parenting a lot easier, particularly with fussy eaters. I walked with my children in their prams for 1-2 hours every day. This is when they slept.
Was I tired at times? .... ABSOLUTELY!
Was I perfect all the time? .... ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
But...I can honestly say that I have a lovely relationship with my children. I practice the authoritative (not authoritarian) parenting style, so they are clear on the boundaries. They tell me they love me every day (and vice versa). We laugh a lot and sometimes I have to be the bad guy. But I balance my needs with theirs and this makes me a much calmer and happier parent.
So back to my client...
Through our sessions together we worked on developing a plan to start to slowly focus on her wellness, in order to bring joy back to her life. We also created a plan to reconnect with her child, so that there are clear boundaries and they actually get to have fun together. This will take a little bit of time, particularly to remove the barrier of guilt.
However, when we caught up for our second session she was already starting to smile. She also noticed how much happier her child was too. So putting her needs on her radar, are having a positive impact on her life and on her child’s too.
What if you're struggling to like parenting?
If you're struggling to love motherhood, give yourself permission to not LOVE every aspect of it. After all, it is a thankless job a lot of the time and it is relentless. But, if you try to remember why you wanted to become a mother in the first place and start there, you will bring back the excitement and love you had about becoming a parent in the first place.
Give yourself a goal of every day to do 1 thing for yourself and 1 thing with your child that you both love and can connect with. For instance, you might not love playing Barbies, or hide and seek, but you might love making Lego, reading books, having a special coffee date, or making up a song and dance together. Start small and build from there.
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