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My Child Won't Listen To Me - What Can I Do?

My Child Won't Listen To Me - What Can I Do?

my child won't listen to me








The first thing I ask parents when they present to parenting counselling with this issue is "What is your relationship with your child normally like?" It's important to understand if not listening is a usual behaviour (ie consistent with temperament), or whether it is a new behaviour (consistent with an issue). Depending on the answer, you will approach the listening in different ways.

If a child not listening is normal

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When a child is regularly defiant, the first thing to ask yourself is whether the rules of the home are consistent and clear. Have you set clear boundaries and are you engaging in authoritative parenting - with warmth and consistency? If you are not engaging in consistent behaviour with clear consequences that are not scary and calmly presented, then this is the first place to start to make changes. With consistency and clear consequences, your child will find it easier to listen and behave. 

The second thing to consider is your child's temperament. When you know your child's temperament, you can be more understanding to how changes impact your child's behaviour. Change in particular is a trigger for negative behaviour if you are trying to enforce a change that is stressful for your child's temperament. For instance, a slow to warm up child will be quite stressed about going to bed alone, compared to a child with an easy temperament. If pushed, the slow to warm up child is likely to act out and not listen. However, by understanding the slow to warm up child's temperament, you would ease this child into bedtime and ensure the child feels secure. Then there would not be a backlash and your child would be much happier too.

If a child not listening is NOT normal

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If you have noticed that your child has suddenly stopped listening, then it's important to look at both internal and external factors. Has there been issues with friends or family? Is your child not feeling well, or overtired? 

Often children will avoid talking directly about their feelings and act out as a way of telling you there's something wrong. Children do not inherently want to do the wrong thing. It is a human need to feel praise, love and acceptance. However, when children don't get the attention they are after, they are happy to receive any attention - even if it comes with getting into trouble. 

It's really important to speak to teachers and take the time to regularly speak with your children about their day. When they are have outburst, that's the time to get down to their level and ask what's going on. Ask them why they are acting in this way. Be patient with your child and give them permission and a safe space to speak about how they are feeling. 

Yes, this takes time and it's not always easy when you're rushing around and you just want to get things done. However, these moments provide opportunities for closeness with your child and better understanding that will last a lifetime.

Lizzie O'Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac
Author, Counsellor

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