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Should I Clean the House or Play With My Child now?

Should I Clean the House or Play With My Child? 

parenting, clean house, mother's work, parenting tips

Clean the House or Play With My Child - This Question Causes Mothers A Lot of Stress?

If you’re like most mums, this dilemma is likely to be a regular occurrence, particularly with young children. We all want a nice and tidy home. How tidy your home needs to be is a personal preference issue. However, I think we often get so bogged down by trying to manage everything and to have things kept nicely at home, because we attach a lot of our success as a parent to how well our homes are functioning. Even if you have a cleaner, in between cleaning days you will have days when the house gets messy and you’re back to trying to balance competing demands.

The usual advice is not very helpful

The usual advice we mothers get is “don’t worry about how messy the house is. You don’t have to have a perfect looking home”. But the reality is that most of us are not trying to maintain a Martha Stewart styled home. We are just trying to avoid the pile of dirty dishes, the washing basket that’s been sitting for days unfolded, the beds that need to be made and so on. So ignoring the mess often causes mums a great deal of anxiety, particularly if they think a friend is coming over!

So how do you stop the cleaning and start playing with your child, without feeling stressed or guilty? 

tired mother, parenting guilt, parenting play time

The best way to address this is to get out of the “ALL OR NOTHING” thinking pattern.

By choosing to pause cleaning to play with your child, does not mean you won’t get back to that cleaning. We often think, “I’ll play as soon as the house feels nice”. But by then you’ve missed the opportunity to connect with your child and you may even have a tantrum and yelling on your hand as you and your child get more and more frustrated.

One of the things I have learnt over time is that often children just want SOME time. They just need a bit of attention and then they are happy to keep going on their own or with a sibling. So we need to set expectations and boundaries with them, particularly during times when we are really busy and we don’t have time to play.

How can you give in without giving up on your needs?

You have competing demands in this situation.

A) You need to clean the house

B) You want to connect with your child

One does not have to replace the other. You can do both of these, but how you do them and when you do them is totally up to you. These 5 steps to clean the house whilst connecting with your child can really help to reduce the stress that comes with trying to balance competing demands. Give them a go!

5 steps to closing between cleaning and playing – minus guilt

mother guilt, mother cleaning, clean house, parenting tips

Step 1: Look at the facts

It’s important to change your interpretation of the event. Instead of thinking how annoying and frustrating it is that your child won’t leave you alone for a minute so you can clean the house. Think about what’s really happening here. Your child loves being with YOU so much and this is a great opportunity to connect. Yes this isn’t the best timing, but remind yourself that it’s coming from a loving place.

Step 2: Evaluation your time

Assess how much time you really have available to you and how much you can give to play time, either now or later. If you have time now, then compromise on how much time you have to play (ie “we can play Lego for 15 minutes on our timer and then mummy needs to keep cleaning”). If you don’t have time now because you have people coming over in a few minutes, commit to playing at a specific time (ie “mummy is rushing now to have the house nice for our friends, but I promise we will play Lego for 30 minutes at 5 o’clock when they leave).

Step 3: Help your child understand what the time means

This is really important for young children. You might say something like, “when the timer goes off, that’s when we really have to stop”, or when the clock says 17:00 that means I have to stop whatever I am doing and play”.

Step 4: Get agreement from your child about the time

Be clear that there can’t be a tantrum when the alarm goes off. You may also help your child to know when it’s time to play at your agreed time, so that there is something to look forward to.

Step 5: Commit

Don’t break your promises because this is a time to build trust, patience and resilience in your child and to bond closer together.

If you follow these steps you will be able to manage competing demands so much smoother. You will be able to feel calmer and engage in calm parenting on a more regular basis.


Lizzie O'Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac
Author, Counsellor

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