3 Ways to Stop a Temper Tantrum
As a parent you want the best for your child. But today there has never been more expectations on how a child should behave and on the best ways to parent. Parents judge themselves too harshly, judge other parents too harshly and judge their children too harshly.A good example of this is when a child misbehaves in public. Parents are usually mortified because they are:
a) worried about what other people might think of their child or their parenting skills
b) worried there must be something seriously wrong with their child to act in this manner
c) worried about the outcome of the tantrum.
However, do you ever forget to think about why your child is acting out?
What Are Temper Tantrums?
Temper tantrums are a normal part of development. They are classified as emotional breakdowns or meltdowns that are typical of children aged between 2-4 years of age (the toddler phase of childhood). The types of behaviours a toddler displays when having a tantrum include:
- stubbornness
- anger
- crying
- defiance,
- refusing to get off the floor
- refusing attempts to calm down
"Until their cortex (the reasoning and thinking part of the brain) is developed, a young child's only way of telling you about what is bothering them is through expressing their feelings"
Better Health Channel (Tantrums - Better Health Channel)
Tantrums are the way that toddlers express their emotions when they feel upset or frustrated. Tantrums often occur when a child feels tired, unwell, hungry, uncomfortable or because they have not been able to get their own way. Whilst temper tantrums can be very distressing for parents (particularly when they takes place in public), there are ways you can soothe your child's tantrums and reduce their occurrence in the first place.
3 Ways to Stop a Temper Tantrum
No.1 - How to Stay Calm & Try to Soothe
Now of course this is easier said than done. However, one of the things parents often do when a child is having a tantrum is focus externally, rather than internally. The focus can quickly switch to how embarrassing this tantrum in public is, or worrying about what others will think, rather than on dealing with the issue at hand. This is a recipe for an accelerated tantrum as your child feels even more unheard or misunderstood.
As a first step, try to see things from your child's point of view. Give empathy and explain the issues at hand. For instance, if your child has a meltdown at the supermarket because you said "no" to buying another toy, stay calm and get down to your child's level. Empathize that you understand it's not fun when someone says "no", but this is your decision today. Say "I love you, but I have said no today".
The meltdown may continue. In this case, remain calm, talk about what else could help to soothe the emotions (ie you promise you'll play a special game when you arrive home) and then soothe with a hug. If the tantrum continues, pick up your child and leave the environment. Don't worry about what other people think. As long as you know you have remained calm, have soothed and empathized with your child - that's all you can do.
As a parent, you often have to take your children with you when you're running errands, picking up older siblings from school, or visiting friends. Even you talking on the phone is enough to create a tantrum until you hang up and place your attention back on your child. Whilst your child loves spending time with you, these situations lend themselves to boredom and not feeling as though the child is the center of attention. Sharing attention is not something toddlers enjoy.
The answer is not to work out ways to change your child's behaviour in these situations. The key is to involve your children so they feel the ‘attention junkie’ is being fulfilled.
You can try things like:
As a calmer parent, the next time your child has a temper tantrum in public, ask yourself what might be going on in terms of energy levels and engagement. Ask yourself questions, such as: is my child bored, over tired, unengaged, craving attention and so on. The answers to these questions will provide great cues as to what’s really going on and will give you a starting point to strategically and calmly cope with and reduce the occurrence of tempter tantrums in the future.
No. 2 - How to Accept Your Child is An Attention Junkie
A common trigger for toddler tantrums is boredom. Research tells us is that children are attention junkies. They do not have an off switch. They have a thirst for knowledge and play and want to always be the center of attention.Now, of course you don't want to create a monster who needs attention every minute, because no-one can provide a child undivided attention every minute of the day. However, there are clever ways to engage your child in the activities they don't enjoy, so they feel valued, entertained and important. Your toddler simply can’t understand “mummy can’t talk or play right now!” – this conceptual understanding comes later in childhood development.
The answer is not to work out ways to change your child's behaviour in these situations. The key is to involve your children so they feel the ‘attention junkie’ is being fulfilled.
You can try things like:
- arriving early to school pick up so your child has a play first
- bringing activities to do whilst in the pram
- asking your child to help put the shopping in the trolley at the supermarket
- giving you child a child's trolley to feel part of the shopping experience
- giving your child a play phone when you are on the phone and discussing how you're both making important calls together now
- Play a guessing game
- Bring a special toy that only leaves the house for particular adventures
No.3 - How to Create Clear and Consistent Boundaries
Children like to know what is happening. So before you attempt to go to somewhere that you know can be trigger for your child - discuss it first. Explain to your child that you're going shopping and you are going to pick a special toy to bring, you are going to both be in charge of the trolley etc.
If you notice your child is already tired, rethink whether it is a good time to be leaving home. Overtiredness and overstimulation are BIG triggers for tantrums. You can't always avoid these trigger emotions, but at least be aware of them and look for ways to help your child rest (i.e. take your child in the pusher to encourage sleep while you shop or socialise).
When a tantrum occurs because your child wants something they can't have, remain calm. Explain why you have made that decision. Teach your child to breathe more calmly and that once calm you will talk together to work out a better solution. Then you can try to hug your child and then talk about ways to soothe the feelings in a way that is appropriate and acceptable for everyone.
Be Mindful of Your Child's Stage of Development
It's really important to always remember your child is at a stage of development where emotions can't be regulated easily. So patience is really needed. The time will pass and your child will soon be able to regulate emotions with more ease. In the meantime. use the techniques discussed above and be kind on yourself too.
Children are sponges and love to be the center of attention. You can’t always give it to them and there are times when you need a break too. If you find yourself feeling stressed in motherhood, take time-out, or ask for help. This is super important. When you feel calm, it's much easier to deal with tantrums, so unfortunately you can't ignore your own needs.
As a calmer parent, the next time your child has a temper tantrum in public, ask yourself what might be going on in terms of energy levels and engagement. Ask yourself questions, such as: is my child bored, over tired, unengaged, craving attention and so on. The answers to these questions will provide great cues as to what’s really going on and will give you a starting point to strategically and calmly cope with and reduce the occurrence of tempter tantrums in the future.
Lizzie O'Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac
Author, Counsellor
Creator of the Positive Parenting Online Course
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