How To Boost Your Chance of Success in Motherhood
When you think back to what you're trying to achieve in parenting, the goal of parenting is to raise a healthy, happy, secure child. A child that's going to do great things in the world, live his/her full potential and be happy and secure aswell. But what happens when we become a parent is we forget what's really important and we lose sight of what's really important and we start to become obsessed with perfecting our chosen style of parenting.
However, if you begin to look into the research and media, you begin to realise there are so many parenting styles to choose from, how can you tell which one is better - which is the right one to choose. And... if one is completely different from the other, how can one be right and the other be completely wrong?
So, the question comes back to, is it really about the parenting style or the outcome of parenting?
What's interesting, is that parents often judge each other on their parenting style, rather than on the outcome per se. The CRY IT OUT method of parenting is a very good example of this. You might be at a mother's home whilst she is putting her baby to sleep with this method. Or you may be in public and you see a parent walking around with a screaming baby in a pram - not doing anything. You may begin to get upset because you can't handle the baby crying.
However, as the observer you are not the parent and you do not know this parent's method of getting a child to sleep. It is most likely that this child has the temperament that responds well to the cry it out method and just needs to have a little cry to relax to sleep. You may not like it, but as long as the baby is safe, healthy, happy and secure, it's up to the parent which method of parenting they choose and suits him or her best.
However, your child may respond very differently from this parenting method - getting very upset and sick as a result of this method. So, when you observe this method being undertaken it can seem cruel. Vice versa, parents engaging in the cry-it-out method may observe your approach and be critical of your method.
At the end of the day, the method is not what's important, it's ensuring your baby is safe, healthy, happy and secure - and how you achieve this is up to your values, beliefs and cultural norms.
Focussing on Parenting Styles Alone Can Lead To Insecurity & Low Self-esteem
So focussing on just the method of parenting you or those around you choose, will lead to self-criticism and criticism of other parents. So the key is to not focus on the process or method you take to create a happy, healthy, secure and safe child, but rather on this outcome itself. So this is where you begin to assess your behaviour and can provide advice to other parents based on this outcome.
The style that you choose can then just be based on what suits you and your family best, rather than adopting a parenting style just because it's what an expert, friend, or colleagues said was best way to raise a child.
This is particularly important when you consider that everyone has a different opinion on parenting and yet research shows us that humans are not all the same and respond differently based on a myriad of reasons, such as temperament, mood, values, cultural beliefs, age and so on. So one size in parenting will NEVER fit all.
There is no one way to parent
Children are different, parents are different and even generational views are different. For instance, in your mothers day, children may have slept on their tummies, but now SIDS advises this is not safe for your baby. In some countries babies feet do not touch the ground until they are 1 year old and mothers carry their babies and sleep with their babies.
In other countries babies are encouraged to sleep in a separate room. So who is right? The answer is not in the method, but rather within each of these methods are the babies safe, healthy, happy and secure? So, the parenting style is not what matters.
Focus your parenting on the outcome to ensure you have a healthy, happy, safe and secure child and this will not only help you to raise a great cnhild, but it will also do wonders for your self confidence and self esteem in motherhood too.
Lizzie O'Halloran, BBSc, MASR, NLP Prac
Author, Counsellor
Creator of the Positive Parenting Online Course
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